USA Hockey responsible for death of Osama Bin Laden, obviously

As you have all likely heard by now, Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist leader of Al Qaeda and mastermind behind the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks on the United States, has been killed by operatives outside Islamabad, Pakistan.

Hooray.

Now, sources for the Sleeping Giant can confirm what we’ve all suspected. It is no small coincidence that the action, which came Sunday morning and was announced by President Barack Obama just after midnight on Monday, came on an off day for the Vancouver Canucks and the USA Hockey team currently competing in the World Championships.

A brave squad of about 15 players, led by Vancouver’s should-be captain Ryan Kesler, stormed the compound where the terrorist leader was hiding out, living in constant fear that San Jose would get eliminated and Joe Pavelski would soon be on his trail.

This, of course, should have served as a warning to other nations that, seriously, you don’t tangle with the good ol’ US of A. But no, Norway was foolish enough to take the ice against the Red, White and Blue today, and look what happened.

Sure, the Norwegians went up 2-0 nice and early, taking advantage of the US’s severe case of jetlag, having flown all night after killing the world’s most infamous terrorist leader (you’re welcome, by the way), but then America did what America does, storming the second period like a mansion in Abbottabad and cruising to an effortless 4-2 win.

After the game, US players were instructed not to talk about the incident — you know, Black Ops and all — but were visibly bursting with pride at having had the privilege of being born in the world’s greatest hockey nation.

However, not all hockey players were delighted at the happy news.

After Team Canada’s practice, PROBABLE militant terrorist Matt Duchene said, “It’s pretty good news.”

Only PRETTY good, Duchene? Not to editorialize, but this is literally the most shameful thing anyone has ever said or done in world history. Just another Canadian puke going out of his way to belittle America, the best thing that ever happened to anyone. What about the moon landing, Duchene? A little conflict called WORLD WAR II ever heard of it?

Show a little respect for the brave men of USA Hockey, and then stand with knee-shaking fear as they win gold in Slovakia.

By the way, reports that Bin Laden was killed wearing a Hockey Canada jersey and STILL bragging about Vancouver are unconfirmed.

A guest post previewing tonight’s easy American win

Here is a post written by goodhearted American Reed Kaufman, creator of Crowned Royal. Please REED it. Hahaha good job Lambert.

Tonight’s game featuring Team USA vs. team canada (capital letters where appropriate) is more than just a neighbor’s rivalry of noble heroes vs. bitter eskimos or whatever. This game means so much to both countries: one who has asserted itself as the dominant hockey superpower, and one that is Canada.

The Americans are defending more than just freedom, as they are used to doing. (You’re welcome, by the way.) They are also defending the gold medal in this, a tournament held on its own sacred soil. If the Canadians hope to reacquire relevance in the hockey world, they would have to knock off The Americans in order to get back to the gold medal game. But since this is not a movie directed by Rick Moranis — and thank God for that — I wouldn’t bet on the Canadians winning anything but face-offs. And even then, sparingly.

Not even the revolting Canadian Propaganda Administration, headed by the MENSA candidates at TSN can blind North Americans of at least marsupial intelligence that Uncle Sam’s boys are the superior team:

(Warning: the following REAL SCREENSHOT is in no way doctored, and may be disturbing to actual human beings.)

Since the Americans were raised in a civilized society, they thought it at least charitable to extend an olive branch and cordially offer the Canadians the opportunity to forfeit the game. Should the Canadians foolishly decline in an attempt to make a name for themselves by sharing the ice with true, human-sized athletes (as opposed to the Norwegians they became accustomed to pushing around), they will undoubtedly become the biggest embarrassment to their home country since Newfoundland.

This would only irk The Americans, who will be justifiably offended at the Canadians’ denial of peace, and will swiftly institute democracy in the probably-communist state of Canada as a merciful gesture by dismantling the Canadian ‘athletes’ and running them north from whence they came, not unlike their fellow crimson-donning buffoons in the glorious year of 1776.

The Canadians will then be asked to apologize thrice: 1) to the U.S. players for pompously assuming they could share the ice/building/city with them; 2) to their countrymen for sending them further backwards in their futile effort to evolve from sub-humans; 3) to the American Citizens for wasting their time, trying their patience, and impersonating hockey players.

Their penalty will be harsh but fair: getting traded from their current NHL franchises in American based cities to those in Canada, thereby punishing them with a career of hockey failure.

Sleeping Giant Blog to Take Well-Earned Vacation

Due to the overwhelming superiority of the US world junior championship team we here at Sleeping Giant have decided to give ourselves a well deserved break.

Since nothing of note is happening in the tournament until Monday when the USA plays its next victim things will be quiet for two days around here.

We’ll use our time to recoup our energy and focus on using it to bring back Jeremy Morin and Jason Zucker; innocent targets of a vast Canadian boarding conspiracy led by TSN and the Vatican.

The US WJC team will use tomorrow to show orphans how to apply for Canadian citizenship in order to make their lunchpail world junior squad.

XOXO,
Jason and Ryan

U.S. strut to semis with dominant, easily-predicted win

You have to hand it to the Swiss, they gave the US its best game of the tournament. Of course, that’s because these supposedly neutral cheese-making cowards had a very clear gameplan: if you see an American’s numbers, put your shoulder between ‘em.

As the rest of the world was reveling in another year of clear American dominance over the sport of hockey, the mighty nation’s greatest players under 20 cruised to a 2-1 over the hated Swiss. In doing so, they advanced to the semifinals, on goals from Charlie Coyle and Mitch Callahan, and yet another casually dominant performance from Jack Campbell.

The game was marred by controversy. How much better would the Americans have fared if the game was called equitably, and the crew of clock-winding ne’er-do-wells in red and white were actually whistled for the many, many boarding and hitting from behind penalties they rightly deserved to have called against them?

But the US is not Canada, and therefore doesn’t have to deal with “what-ifs.” We don’t have to imagine how good America would be if not for its terrible goaltending, because Jack Campbell is perhaps the best netminder that ever lived, and Olivier Roy clearly the worst.

The Swiss tactic successfully forced Stalwart American Patrick Wey to be removed from the game, as coach Keith Allain was concerned the defenseman would become annoyed, and beat Reto Schappi to death with Nino Niederreiter.

With this win, the US became one of two teams in the tournament to have not lost a single game. This is because Sweden, the other team that went undefeated, got a bracket chock full of cupcakes, including Norway, the Czechs, and Canada.

Speaking of which, America will host the winner of Sunday’s quarterfinal matchup (haha) between the Canadian and Swiss sides on Monday night in what is sure to be the most one-sided contest in Buffalo since Czolgosz vs. McKinley. (In this scenario, the US is Czolgosz.)

Glourious basterds dispatch deutschbags with ease

An American hadn’t beaten anyone that badly since the Bear Jew knocked a couple German officers’ brains outta the ballpark, and with that the United States is now just one alarmingly easy win away from a semifinals date with an unworthy foe.

To truly highlight the breeziness with which America dispatched their German foes in a 4-0 victory, all you need to see, once again, is the first-period shot differential. It was 23-2 in favor of the U.S. and one of those German shots wasn’t even actually on net.

Actually, the game almost started on a sour note for America, as difficult as that is to believe, because the goal light behind Jack Campbell was stuck on. Call it what you will, wishful thinking from the Germans, an IIHF conspiracy or the light just wanting to make sure it had its moves down for when the U.S. assaulted that end in the second period, but technical malfunctions such as these can only lead us to find one root cause: Canadian involvement.

Fortunately, Charlie Coyle and Jerry D’Amigo scored 48 seconds apart in the first period after the visitors took a slew of penalties, allowing the U.S. to practice passing the puck around the perimeter so as not to further embarrass their overwhelmed opponents, as it chose not to rifle the puck toward goal despite shooting lanes as open as the streets of Dresden the day after the firebombings.

Then the second period came and, even as the Germans got unnecessarily aggressive and frustrated, America took its foot off the gas (out of the goodness of its collective and massive heart) and only bothered to double its lead on goals from Jon Merrill and Chris Kreider.

At some point in the third period, Campbell was yanked not because he was playing badly — he of course did not allow a single goal — but because playing in this game against opponents this poor simply wasn’t worth his time. In came Andy Iles, who, like Campbell before him, shouldn’t have even bothered playing at all. With the rest of his teammates having not emerged from the dressing room for the final 20 minutes, Iles still outshot Germany 10-2, but didn’t score because his heart wasn’t in it.

Who can blame him?

Great Moments in American History: Jack Johnson’s nonproportional response

On New Year’s Eve in 2005, the U.S. and Canada were playing in a heated game in which it was already decided that both would be through to the medal round.

Things had been a bit chippy all night, with Canada in particular and unsurprisingly committing the bulk of the infractions because, with a roster featuring Steve Downie, Dave Bolland and Kris Russell, they were even lower-rent than you’d likely expect in a normal year.

This game was interesting not only because America was involved, but also because, through a series of back-alley deals and other subterfuge, Canada was technically ahead of the U.S. in the standings, meaning that Our Boys had to outright win to earn a bye straight through to the semifinals. Not a problem, right?

Except Canada continued its rampant cheating and entered the third period clinging to a 2-all tie. Here, America clearly opted to wait until the last possible second to score, probably in an effort to drive ratings and raise more money for USA Hockey and other worthy charitable causes. However, upon pulling the goalie to make it fair to the Canadians, Kyle Chipchura scored into the empty net (recalling what True American Legend Al Iafrate once said about this type of tactic). So the U.S. lost for the first time in any international competition in any sport. More or less by design, and through poor sportsmanship.

But the worst was yet to come as noted gutless puke (see also: Canadian) Steve Downie also took the time to two-hand Jack Johnson in the back of the leg well behind the play. So like America did in 1945, Johnson had no recourse but to teach Downie a lesson he would never forget.

The elbow to Downie’s face was, if the replays are to be believed (and the Canadian propagandists ignored) no more than a shot across the bow, a warning, if you will. A largely harmless show of force. Any American infant would have regarded Johnson’s quote-unquote devastating elbow with bemusement and likely would have slept through it, continuing to dream the untroubled dreams of the innocent, which U.S. residents of all ages enjoy.

That Downie hit the ice as though he was shot at close range a high-powered rifle is unsurprising. That he was perfectly fine afterward underscores what a terrible subhuman he is.

But Johnson’s supposed elbow taught us all a valuable lesson: incurring the wrath of any American is a fool’s errand.

Suspensions highlight American respect for game, unworthy opponents

Two yellow-bellied Slovaks, and a typically revolting Canadian, were given hefty suspensions for headshots in last night’s games.

The Slovakia-United States game produced five of those games to two Slovaks, the heaviest suspension going to Martin Marincin (three games). Peter Hrasko received two additional games while Canada’s Zack Kassian got one extra game.

That they were allowed to live through the night at all once again speaks to the general kindheartedness of all American players.

Expected win results in minimal casualties

That sound you heard tonight was not, in fact, the largest earthquake ever recorded by man, but rather the United States U20 hockey team putting its foot down and saying enough was enough.

It had been largely criticized for its largess in allowing Finland to only lose in overtime, and having heard just about enough talk from the Canadian media about how this USA team wasn’t “for real” and that the Great White North’s shabby collection of highly-touted prospects was enough to roll over any number of countries, America included, these great patriots clearly decided that this was the end of that talk.

Surely, because of this country’s overwhelming beneficence, it was greatly saddened by the fact that it had to make an example of Slovakia, a country of roughly 140 people, none of whom are male. But an example was necessitated by the general chuckling-up-their-sleeve of the Toronto-based, heavily-biased media. And by that, of course, we mean Pierre McGuire and the rest of the sycophantic dolts on TSN.

So yes, the US poured 57 shots at the Slovak net, but what were they supposed to do? They had been victimized by an early headshot perpetrated by the cowardly Peter Hrasko, whom we have reason to believe is a Canadian double agent (certainly, he’s bad enough at hockey to pass for a Quebecois nobody). Their hands were forced.

Frankly, 6-1 with goals from a slew of players including Kyle Palmieri, who had two goals and a helper, was a bit kind to a rather poor team, but again, the American spirit of generosity cannot be underestimated. That these particular Euro straphangers had to be victimized was unfortunate happenstance. That Jack Campbell literally slept through the first period a showcasing of the American talent to which we’ve grown accustomed (and he still made a save).

And keep in mind that this 57-18 shot differential and wholesale bloodbath all happened without the aid of two good, strong American boys, who were given the night off to pursue leisure activities of their choosing.

There are now four games remaining in America’s run to their third gold medal. All that dared oppose them have been swept aside with shocking ease and bravado.

Believe us when we tell you that you don’t want to be next.

Naïve Canadian emailer remarkably naïve

Yes, it’s true, the day after Canada flaunted its 15-first-round-pick blue-collar dominance over a poorly-constructed and out-of-its-depth Russian team — while their American counterparts demurely and diplomatically allowed Finland to skulk into overtime — we finally got our first bit of hate mail. We are, of course, posting it in its entirety.

Now, keep in mind that basically this entire message is [sic]’d because it exhibits what we can only assume is a very common Canadian quality: illiteracy. So wade hip-deep into this meandering, poorly-written screed against all things good (read also: American), short on cogent thought or the use of the Enter key, and long on use of the word “disgusting.”

But don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Read More

Glorious Overlords Show Mercy to Hapless Finns

The United States World Junior team started the tournament off with a merciful bang. The Finns, too busy debating over whether their version of Scrabble should be half ‘N’ tiles or all ‘N’ tiles, were clearly outmatched the entire game except for the 20 seconds or so in which they were allowed to score. The rest of the time, the U.S. team was much better, including intermission, and Jason Zucker was excellent in the inner tube race before the national anthems.

The game started off with a power play goal from True American Justin Faulk who scored on a slapshot from the point the American Way. Small children in American households will now likely be practicing dropping bombs on the Finnish net from the point like General Petraeus is in charge.

The Finns answered back with a goal that the Americans were merciful enough to let into the net. Attempting to stay under the radar means the Americans will purposefully win close games rather than show off against pathetic opponents like Canada. The US squad is, in fact, so comfortable they let Jeremy Morin and Brock Nelson have the night off, and might even allow them to spend a few days not playing.

Later, Zucker scored off a turnover that came as the Finns were busy debating whether their word for “short side” had 35 letters or 36. With their 2-1 lead completely intact the US sqaud showed off its skill again. Kyle Palmieri skated through their entire team twice and was kind enough to leave the puck next to the post so as not to run up the score. Jeremy Morin showed off his deadly shot with a nice timing play to get the goal waved off by an official who felt Finland had already had their feelings hurt badly enough.

Seeing his point, the US wasn’t done being generous to the Finns. They allowed the Finnish team to tie it up on a weird bouncy goal, to show clemency and compassion to the outmatched Scandinavians. This sent the game to OT where Nick Bjugstad, fresh out of being cleared as a real American and not a Northern European spy, scored on a soft wrist shot to demonstrate the Americans ability to score at will.

Game one: in the books.