A guest post previewing tonight’s easy American win

Here is a post written by goodhearted American Reed Kaufman, creator of Crowned Royal. Please REED it. Hahaha good job Lambert.

Tonight’s game featuring Team USA vs. team canada (capital letters where appropriate) is more than just a neighbor’s rivalry of noble heroes vs. bitter eskimos or whatever. This game means so much to both countries: one who has asserted itself as the dominant hockey superpower, and one that is Canada.

The Americans are defending more than just freedom, as they are used to doing. (You’re welcome, by the way.) They are also defending the gold medal in this, a tournament held on its own sacred soil. If the Canadians hope to reacquire relevance in the hockey world, they would have to knock off The Americans in order to get back to the gold medal game. But since this is not a movie directed by Rick Moranis — and thank God for that — I wouldn’t bet on the Canadians winning anything but face-offs. And even then, sparingly.

Not even the revolting Canadian Propaganda Administration, headed by the MENSA candidates at TSN can blind North Americans of at least marsupial intelligence that Uncle Sam’s boys are the superior team:

(Warning: the following REAL SCREENSHOT is in no way doctored, and may be disturbing to actual human beings.)

Since the Americans were raised in a civilized society, they thought it at least charitable to extend an olive branch and cordially offer the Canadians the opportunity to forfeit the game. Should the Canadians foolishly decline in an attempt to make a name for themselves by sharing the ice with true, human-sized athletes (as opposed to the Norwegians they became accustomed to pushing around), they will undoubtedly become the biggest embarrassment to their home country since Newfoundland.

This would only irk The Americans, who will be justifiably offended at the Canadians’ denial of peace, and will swiftly institute democracy in the probably-communist state of Canada as a merciful gesture by dismantling the Canadian ‘athletes’ and running them north from whence they came, not unlike their fellow crimson-donning buffoons in the glorious year of 1776.

The Canadians will then be asked to apologize thrice: 1) to the U.S. players for pompously assuming they could share the ice/building/city with them; 2) to their countrymen for sending them further backwards in their futile effort to evolve from sub-humans; 3) to the American Citizens for wasting their time, trying their patience, and impersonating hockey players.

Their penalty will be harsh but fair: getting traded from their current NHL franchises in American based cities to those in Canada, thereby punishing them with a career of hockey failure.

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